My handsome Air Force soldier

John at about 18 in his Air Force uniform

Today we celebrate Memorial Day and the service to our country of our men and women in the armed services. John was always so proud and happy when he talked about his time in the Air Force. I wish I had known him then. I wish I had known every single thing about him. Now all pictures and every crumb of information is precious.

Today

Today marks one year since my Love has been gone. I kept hearing about what a  milestone it is and honestly, I was dreading it. I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I survived it. I guess that is something.
I wanted to honor John and what our life together means to me. I organized a small celebration of his life and had a Memorial with a few close friends. We attended a Mass this morning that was being said for him. I was OK until his name was mentioned in the intentions. It was very sad to hear that.
Then we went to breakfast altogether at the hotel that John and I loved. That was good.
After that we all came back to the house and prayed together and blessed and dedicated a Memorial Garden I had built in the backyard in John's honor.

None of this will bring John back and I still miss him with all my heart. I still can't believe this has happened. I still feel like I am just going through the motions. Or this is some horrible bad dream that I can't wake up from. 

I guess I thought that the one year mark would feel different. I think maybe it does to others. And that's OK. But John will always be uppermost in my thoughts and in my heart until I see him again. Nothing changes that.

May 23, 2011

May 22, 2010

May 21, 2010

The final countdown

This time last year John and I were headed to New York City to see some of my family. That was our last trip together. Within days, John was gone and I took the trip back home alone. These next few days are going to be so hard.

Only once in your life...

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

51 Weeks - and the countdown begins

Tonight marks 51 weeks since my Love has been physically gone from me.
From here on out, the days remaining are single digits, less than a week. It is still incomprehensible to me. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm slow. Maybe my heart and soul just can't or won't believe what has happened to us. Some days I think I never will.
Yet, I know what the reality is. I know I'm not crazy. But to sit and comprehend what this means some days is just more than I can bear.
And yet I have. I have managed to get through almost a whole year. I am still here. I am functioning. I have even managed to get things done. I am working. I am taking care of others and myself. The house is still intact and in good repair. Somehow all this has happened.
I know this experience is changing me. I am even a little scared what that might mean. I hope I am changing in good ways. And maybe this is all part of some grand plan. Maybe all of this had to happen this way. John and I always believed everything happens the way it's supposed to so I guess I have to trust that.

50 weeks today

Don't know what else to say.
Some days I feel like I can do this if I just hang on a little longer.
Other days I want to break things and I think I will never stop crying.
All I know is I am trying to do whatever it is I am supposed to do but there is no payoff. John is still gone from me physically.

Thank you, Sweetheart!

Last year, on Mother's Day, John and I went to the Desert Botanical Garden in Phoenix to see a concert by Esteban. It was a tradition we did every year. While we were waiting for the doors to open, John and I goofed around with my camera, taking pictures of each other and saying "Work with me! Work with me!" to each other as if we were doing a professional photo shoot. Another woman standing who was also waiting for the doors to open offered to take our picture. I'm so glad she did. It's one of the last pictures we had taken together.
Afterwards, John took me out to dinner. He always made me feel so appreciated.
Oddly enough, Esteban is not performing at the Botanical Garden this year which is odd for him. I'm glad, in a way. It would be sad to not be able to go there this year without my Love.
But I thank you for that wonderful Mother's Day last year, John.

Every day I miss John anew

Today was no exception. A person said something very hurtful to me today. I defended myself and I thought I had handled it well but it has stayed with me. What she said hurt me in my heart, accusing me of being something I never would have thought anyone would have accused me of. Maybe I was being overly sensitive but feelings are feelings.
And it has also driven home to me how much I relied on John to be my true North, my soft place to land, my comfort and my strength.
In another world when we were together, I would have talked about this with John and he would have helped me put it in perspective. He would have hugged me. He would have helped me move beyond this and we probably both would have even laughed about it eventually.
But in this world I inhabit now, John is not here. I have no arms to hold me, no voice to calm me, no words to reassure me.
There is no one I feel close enough to to bother with this. Yes, I have friends I love dearly and I know love me but they have their own lives. They are not at my beck and call. My best friend was always here for me. I was always here for him, too. And now he's not. And I'm not.
I don't know how to do this alone life. Truth be told, I don't want to do this alone life. I really really don't like it. I loved what we had. And I mourn the loss of that along with the loss of my dear sweet Love.

Sunday was never my favorite day of the week

And for sure it never will be again.
Sunday is the last day of the week my Love and I were together and it was Sunday night going into Monday morning that he left.
This past year every Sunday has marked one more week since the last time I held him and hugged him. The last time we were able to speak to each other, the last time I saw him smile, heard him laugh. Took it for granted we would have more time.
Now Sundays are so empty. I go to Church and I miss having him there next to me. I rattle around the house, wishing I could hear his voice.
Tonight marks 49 weeks. It still doesn't seem real.