Today was no exception. A person said something very hurtful to me today. I defended myself and I thought I had handled it well but it has stayed with me. What she said hurt me in my heart, accusing me of being something I never would have thought anyone would have accused me of. Maybe I was being overly sensitive but feelings are feelings.
And it has also driven home to me how much I relied on John to be my true North, my soft place to land, my comfort and my strength.
In another world when we were together, I would have talked about this with John and he would have helped me put it in perspective. He would have hugged me. He would have helped me move beyond this and we probably both would have even laughed about it eventually.
But in this world I inhabit now, John is not here. I have no arms to hold me, no voice to calm me, no words to reassure me.
There is no one I feel close enough to to bother with this. Yes, I have friends I love dearly and I know love me but they have their own lives. They are not at my beck and call. My best friend was always here for me. I was always here for him, too. And now he's not. And I'm not.
I don't know how to do this alone life. Truth be told, I don't want to do this alone life. I really really don't like it. I loved what we had. And I mourn the loss of that along with the loss of my dear sweet Love.
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