Boxes of memories

I am having some electrical work done on the house and I had to take everything out of the attic because the insulation had to be taken out. So boxes came down that had been up there for years. There were some still packed from our house in PA before we moved here to AZ. Going through some of them was very hard. There were things of John's that were painful to see - stuff from his office in PA when he worked as a therapist. A picture of us we had taken at Disney World. His trophies from singing contests he won in the Air Force. His old Air Force jackets. So many things. At one point I just had to excuse myself and go out in the back yard by myself and cry. I miss John so much. This stinks. It's never going to be all right.

But I am reading a very good book called  Healing Grief, Finding Peace  that has been very helpful. One of the things the author talks about is loving in separation. He is the first person who has validated what I have been feeling, that I can still have a relationship with John even though it's different now. Not in a crazy way. He is not talking about denying what has happened. Rather it is  a way to incorporate the change into life now as it is. As I learn more, I'll write more.

He also talks about grief and healing, not "getting over" the death of a loved one. You never get over it. John isn't some item I have lost. He is my soul mate. Our lives are forever intertwined. It's different now but it's never over.

Another good book I am reading is Grieving a SoulMate . It is the first book I have come across that acknowledges the difference between losing a spouse and losing a spouse who is also a soul mate. There is a big difference. While the love and relationship with a soul mate is beyond measure and the sweetest love in the world it is absolutely devastating when one partner dies. I am finding this book to be very helpful if only to let me know that what I am feeling is OK. But it appears to be more than that. I will also write more about this book when I finish it.