34 Months

Yesterday marked 34 months. I purposely didn’t write yesterday thinking that maybe I shouldn’t keep marking the months like that. Trying to look forward, not back.
You know what?
Hogwash.
Just because I didn’t write about it doesn’t mean I wasn’t acutely aware of it, especially since it was also a Sunday.
If I knew when I was going to leave this world and be back with John I would count forward but I don’t know that. All I can concentrate on is when he left and how everything turned to sadness since then.
I know there have been some good things coming out of his passing – donations, more spirituality, an opportunity to spend all that time with his Mom and care for her, etc. But I would like to think those things would have happened anyway.
Of course there is no way to know but I sure would have liked to have had the chance.
We were so good together. Our relationship would only have gotten better. I just don’t understand why we didn’t have that chance.
What am I supposed to be doing that I wouldn’t have done if he were here?
I really want to do what I am supposed to be doing.
I don’t want his passing to be in vain.