56 months today

It's hard to believe it is almost 5 years since John passed. I never thought I would survive this long.

John and Willie in John's MG back in PA

Love that smile

This is so John.

Hawaii 1998

The Good-Bye Girl

I watched "The Good-Bye Girl" tonight. It was a great old movie with Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Mason. It was one of the first movies that John and I watched together and it was special to us. Its theme was something that hit home for us. Basically, Marsha Mason falls in love with Richard Dreyfuss but, because of her failed past relationships, is afraid he is going to leave her, too.
The last scene of the movie, as he is leaving to go on location for a movie, he asks her to have his guitar restrung while he is gone. And it's then that she knows that he is coming back because he left his guitar - his prized possession - with her.
John left his guitar at my apartment from the very beginning of our relationship and he told me that meant the same thing for him, too. He was never going to leave me.
I still have his guitar.
I lost it at the end of the movie when the credits started rolling and the theme song started to play. I haven't felt this bad in a while and the words just got to me.
The words mean more now to me than ever.
He's coming back for me.

Goodbye Girl

Song by David Gates

All your life you've waited
For love to come and stay
And now that I have found you
You must not slip away

I know it's hard believing
The words you've heard before
But darlin' you must trust them
Just once more

'Cause baby, goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away
'Cause the things you do, my goodbye girl, will bring me back to you

I know you've been taken
Afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me
Instead of giving in

But I can wait forever
A-helping you to see
That I was meant for you
And you for me

So remember goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart
You still will have my heart
So forget your past my Goodbye Girl
Cause now you're home at last

Shaman Joy

I hate pictures of myself but my friend took this of me yesterday and I thought it wasn't too bad.

She is moving into a new home and she asked me to do a smudging and house blessing.

I was honored to do it.

Now she is calling me "Shaman Joy". 

I have to admit I enjoyed the experience. I really felt like I was in my element.

More and more I feel drawn to do things like this.

 

New year, new hope

One of my favorite mediums wrote today about life changes and how they carry us along against our will, leaving us feeling hopeless, without any bearings. Yet, in the midst of that chaos is the kernel of an answer for the future, if we but take the time to look for it; if we can step back from the chaos and drama and just take stock, even if all we can see in front of us is the next minute, the next hour.
Her conviction was that by doing even that little bit we are signaling to the Universe that we are open to the answers that we need.
She likened the loss of our loved one -especially sudden unexpected loss - to being carried away by the rapids. That sure hit home with me. Waking up and finding John gone - irretrievably, forever, there-is-nothing-you-can-do-about-this gone - is the worst thing I have ever had to endure. My world changed the second I opened the door and saw and knew. There was no going back. The rapids had grabbed me and taken me and I was going down that river whether I wanted to or not. I was banged against rocks and pulled under and losing my breath only to come up for air and be pulled along again, further and further from the life I had known, being flung headlong and at an unbelievable rate to something I knew nothing about.
I screamed, I cried, I begged but I was powerless.
And now I have been flung onto the shore. The terrain is foreign but some of the local natives seem friendly. Slowly, I am setting up a new existence. In fact, I have been here so long now that I am starting to feel like I know my way around enough to be able to help the new arrivals.
Okay, enough metaphor.
In English:
My therapist has decided my task for this year is for me to find "community". I'm lonely. John and I were everything to each other. We were each other's best friend and family. We shared everything and we were together almost 24/7. People remarked about how we were able to do this and still remain such good friends. It was easy for us. We loved each other. We didn't see the problem.
But the down side now is that I am so alone. I never developed a bunch of friends. I have never been the kind of person who "joined" - not clubs, not social circles. It wasn't my nature and with John, I also didn't have the need.
Now I do. I love my furkids but when it comes to fascinating conversation, they lack in that department.
So, my task has been to go forth and make friends.
Okay, how? I no longer work and I belong to no groups (Facebook doesn't count).
I am also a big couch potato.
So, I put the request out to the Universe and asked John to help where he could.
Lo and behold, a tai chi group was started at the Church I attend. I have always wanted to try that. So I signed up for it. I have had two lessons so far and I love it.
That satisfied the anti-coach potato problem.
But that isn't community. For that I need to step out of my comfort zone and join a group with a focus, people I can interact with on a regular basis with a common goal.
So I made an appointment with the volunteer coordinator at Church. We looked at my interests and aptitudes and she made some suggestions. I am scheduled for my first meeting later this month.
And finally, my soul is calling me more and more into the metaphysical and spiritual. I am enjoying my intuition classes with my medium friend and I seem to have a real knack for this. I am scheduled to take the final Reiki certification class next month to be a Reiki Master Teacher. I have even made a connection to speak with someone about the possibility of doing Reiki at one of our local hospitals. And with Susanne's help, I am working on seeing what other kind of work I can do to help people move forward after the loss of a loved one - a kind of after death communication coach.
And I am finding my voice with my writing again.
Getting back to my metaphor - this new land isn't as strange as it was when I first arrived. I'm still not thrilled about being here and would go back if I could. But I am going to make the most of it as long as I am here. There is a reason I am here.

Missing John and missing us

Happy 2015

I found this picture of John the other day. It was taken on the occasion of my brother's wedding back in 1986. John was 43 years old. So handsome.
I bought a special frame for it and I have it on my desk where I can look at it all the time.
And today starts a new year. In this year, I will mark 5 years since John passed. Hard to believe.
But I take him with me as I start this new year. He is in my heart always and I continue to believe that we are doing this together.
So often he has shown me that he is still here with me even though I know he is doing work on the Other Side.  He will be with me until it is my time to pass over and then he will meet me and we will go on together.
But in the meantime, I have work to do here. I believe that 2015 will be a good year for me and I will find myself and my way and will start to do the work I need to do before I go.
With John. With his love.