Fear

I have never felt so utterly alone. And it's frightening.
Last night we had a monstrous rain storm. It's that time of year here in AZ. Before, John and I would have enjoyed the storm. John loved them. The more violent the better. He even taught the dogs to love them so we don't have the issues many dog owners have with fear of lightning and thunder.
But the rain was pretty intense and while it didn't frighten me it did concern me because of what I saw it doing to the house. At one point the air conditioner unit on the side of the house was making a scary screaming noise and then I noticed the roof was leaking in our bedroom. I went outside on the deck and noticed a small flood.
It was at that point that I felt the panic start to rise.
I prayed to God and asked John for help.
I turned the air conditioner off and that stopped the noise. And I put a towel under the leak. I found some pieces of wood that were blocking a drainage hole that John had built into the deck and cleared the area and the water drained out.
I turned the air conditioner back on after the storm and it didn't seem to be making that noise any more so I left it on.
Today I will call the air conditioner people and see if the unit needs to be checked. I'll call the landscapers and see about getting the gutters cleaned out. I think that will solve the roof issue.
I know I can do this but it's still frightening. John was the clear-headed calm one. He was the problem solver. He knew how to do everything. And it wasn't scary when he was here. I trusted him and I knew between the two of us we could handle things. As long as we were together, life was doable.
Now, it's frightening and scary and I hate that he's not here. Not because I can't take care of myself. I know in my heart I can. It's just one more way I have to realize that he is not here and it stinks and it sucks and it's horrible. Because I still love him and I miss him with all my heart.
I would live on the street if I could be with him again.

Such wonderful memories

I spent a good part of the afternoon scanning in old photos from our life. John and I were so lucky. We traveled a lot and had wonderful times together. And I took lots of pictures. They weren't all great but at least I have them now. And through the wonder of Photoshop I was able to preserve them because a lot of them are fading with age.

Us at our friends' wedding 1982 - John was Best Man

John in the Living Room of our first house 1982

Us camping 1982

Visiting Monticello in VA 1982

The W

You know those letters that signify your marital status? S M D W?
I hate that I have to check W now. Sometimes I don't. It feels like a betrayal. A finality I'm not ready to face.
Then today I had to fill out another form. The person [a secretary to my broker] had filled out most of the form and just wanted my signature. But I noticed where it asked for status she had checked S.
Man, that upset me. That was even worse than W. To deny that my marriage even existed. That all those years never happened. That was the ultimate betrayal.
I fixed it. I checked W and crossed out the S.
Even a W was better than an S.
My marriage happened. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am a better person because of my marriage to John. I always will be.
I yearn to be an M again with him.

Away Down the River

Baby dry your eyes
There's no need to cry
Cause I'll see you again
It might be a while
Before you understand

Chorus:
I'm just away down the river
A hundred miles or more
Crossing over Jordan
To the other shore
I'll be standing waiting
With all who've gone before
I'm just away down the river
A hundred miles or more

Now the pictures on the wall
Will help you to recall
They're not there
To make you sad
But to remember
All the good times we had

(Chorus)

(Instrumental)

When it's time to leave
You're gonna feel the mountain breeze
And the snow will fill the stream
And carry you to me

(Chorus)

I miss having a home

I have a house I live in. I don't have a home and I miss that. John was my best friend. He still is.

But when he was here physically, I felt totally and completely safe, loved, and at home with him. That's what I miss. This house is no longer a home without him. It's just the place I live in now. Before it was our home, our safe place to land, the place we came to feel loved and cared for, cherished. I miss that.

I've thought about moving from this house because maybe it would be easier to not be in a place where he had touched every inch of it. We remodeled this house quite a bit and John is everywhere here. He even built the desk I write on and spend my day at. But I wouldn't dream of getting rid of it. Sometimes I am reluctant to even move something or throw something out because he used it. I have to recover the kitty windowsill in my office before the shutters are put in next week and I feel bad because John recovered the windowsill last. It's silly I know and if I say something to some people about this they look at me like I'm weird. 

Sometimes I feel like I am erasing him and I know that is irrational and if John were here he would smile at me and say "Joof [one of his nicknames for me], don't be silly. You can never erase me. I know you love me." 

But feelings aren't rational. They just are.

14 months today

Today is the 24th of the month, 14 months since my Love left this world, 61 weeks.
Today I made the mistake of watching our wedding video. I thought it would be good to see John in action and hear his voice instead of looking at flat pictures. It was good - but also unbearably sad. The pain is there as if his passing just happened.

I thought I would have been stronger. It made me happy to see John but it also made it all the more horrible to have him gone from me now. He was so handsome, so sweet, so kind, so happy, so loving. Watching him holding me, kissing me, loving me - I was so lucky. I could see the love in his eyes.
And that smile. Was there ever a better, happier smile. How I wish I could go back in time for just a minute and feel those arms around me again. Hear that voice in my ear. Feel that kiss.
This has to be the most unfair thing in the world. At least to me. There are so many unhappy marriages out there. Why did the happiest one have to end - at least in this world. I know John is still alive in the spirit world. I know he still loves me. But it's not the way it was. 
And that is what hurts so much. We thought we had more time. I want to be able to love him more.  We had so many plans. We loved each other so much. I can't bear this. It's never going to be any better until I die and join John.
I tell people this life holds nothing for me and the best thing I can think of would be for a doctor to tell me I have months to live. Yet if I dare mention that to anyone I get  "don't say that", "you have so much to live for", "there is more you can do".
Does no one understand how much I DO NOT CARE.

What I miss

I miss our life so much. I miss sharing little everyday things with John. Everything we did was fun because we laughed and enjoyed our time together. And just doing things together made them fun. I loved going to Costco with him. I loved going to Church with him. I loved taking walks with him, watching the cats sleep, watching TV, reading side by side, John rubbing my feet, cuddling, holding him, smelling him, knowing he was there somewhere in the house, hearing him snore – everything.

This house is too quiet now. There is no life in it any more. The life we had left when John did. It’s only going to come back when I join him.

And it’s not fair. We had a great marriage, better than most people. Why couldn’t it keep on going? Why did it have to end so soon? I wasn’t ready. I don’t think John was either even though he probably understands why better than I do right now.

I miss him so much.