Saturday, January 23, 2021

Trust isn't a bad word

Several years ago, my friend Cathy told me about a ritual she performs at the beginning of every new year. She picks a word for that year, a theme to carry her through, a platform that she wants to structure her life around. I had started doing that a couple of years ago but soon after January had been here for a while, I would inevitably forget about my lofty goal.

Not this year.

If last year has taught me anything, it's that I need to not take anything for granted and that includes following through on goals and plans.

So, this year I have chosen my word.

And my word is Trust.

I was originally going to choose Serenity but after thinking about it, that felt too passive. I needed something I could sink my teeth into. Something more basic. And for me, that is trust. If I had to sum up the one thing missing in my life right now, that's it.  And maybe for half of my life as well.

Living with an abusive mother taught me I couldn't trust the world to protect me. Certainly not the one person who was supposed to be in my corner above all else. Then moving on to an abusive husband confirmed that belief. If I was going to survive, I had to do it on my own. Trust no one. Trust no thing.

Then John came along and I dared to let my guard down one more time and it was so worth it. No matter what I said or did, he was there. He cheered on my successes. He held me when I cried over failures and loss. We made a safe beautiful loving life together. I finally found trust.

And then it was gone.

Now I have to trust in myself again. But I am learning that I am not alone. I don't have to trust just me. John's favorite saying is "Things are happening the way they are supposed to." There is a rhythm to the Universe, to Source, to God. When I let go and let God, things have a way of working out.

I often refer to my Guides and Angels (a group that John is now a part of) as The Team. I am teaching myself to turn to them at those times when I don't know the answers, when I can't figure things out, when I need for things to work out but it's out of my hands. And time and time again, they have come through. I am reminded of what Christ said: "Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!" Luke 12:24

I think it's time to trust again. This year I am going to let go of my favorite pastime - worry. I'm going to live the life in front of me and not worry about the life down the road. There is a peace to be had when I do that. The lines in my forehead soften. They won't disappear entirely. They have lived there too long. But I can make a start. I can begin every day to start to trust.

I have less life in front of me than I have behind me. What I want more than anything else is to live that life in peace and harmony. Trust is where I begin.

What is your word for this new year?


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