Hidden Away lyrics
Songwriters: Groban, Josh; Wilson, Daniel Dodd;

Over mountains and sky blue seas
On great circles, will you watch for me?
The sweetest feeling I've got inside
I just can't wait to get lost in your eyes

And all these words that you meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don't keep them hidden away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Holding out for something I believe in
All I really need today

I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don't keep your heart hidden away

You're a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickered candle in a short lifetime
A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows

And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don't keep them hidden away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Reaching out for someone I believe in
All I really need today

I want to feel your love, will you reveal your love?
Please, don't keep your love hidden away
I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don't keep your heart hidden away

Nine months today

Today marks nine months since I awoke to find my world destroyed. Nine months since I have had to face the fact that John is no longer physically with me in this world. Nine months and one day since I last heard his voice, saw his smile, heard his laugh, felt his touch, foolishly thought we had so much more time to share.
There are moments when I think I have a handle on this loss, this grief and then a thought, a memory, a longing grips me so hard, it shakes me to my core.
I walk around and do the things I need to do but all the while my thoughts are with John and everything I see, everything I touch, everything I do is reflected in the fact that he is not here. If someone hasn't experienced the complete feeling of total loss that losing a soul mate brings, there probably are no words that can do it justice. I truly feel like half a person. For the last thirty-two years, everything we did we did with the other in mind. And now, I am expected to be one person and I find it impossible to be. I still make decisions as if John were here to make them with me. I still think what would he do in this or that circumstance. I hate having to fill out forms and not put him down as next of kin. This still doesn't seem real.

John's Memorials at The AZ Humane Society

When I had John's funeral last May, I had asked that donations be made in John's name to the Arizona Humane Society in lieu of flowers. I am happy to say that many donations were made and I know John was pleased. Two people purchased memorial bricks in the Compassion Walkway. I received notification regarding their location and today my cousin and I went to see them. I have to admit it was both pleasing to see John's name and memory honored and also very sad.
Since John wanted to be cremated, I never had a grave marker made. Seeing his name like this really hit me. Today marks 39 weeks and I'm struggling.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart!

 

Happy Valentine's Day, my Sweetheart! You are in my heart today and always. I love you. And loving you was so easy.

Reframing

I had an insight yesterday during therapy. My therapist helped me get to this point although she claims I did it myself. Actually, I really believe God and John helped me get to this realization because I prayed for them to help me on my way to my session.
Anyway, my problem was dealing with an all-consuming feeling of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of not being able to handle things by myself. And coupled with that was a feeling of disloyalty toward John is I managed to pull myself out of that slump.
But yesterday for the first time I was able to see that not only am I more capable than I give myself credit for but that John is proud of me for being able to carry on. John was always my biggest fan, my staunchest supporter, my loudest cheerleader.
There is every reason to believe that he is still happy to see me succeed. In fact, I suspect that he may be doing whatever he can to put the right things in my path to help me along. I find that comforting.

Time is an enemy

I am constantly being told that time will make this "better". That "in time" I will feel less sad, feel more in control, that this won't hurt so much.
You know what? It's a lie.
It's been over eight months now and the more time passes, the worse I feel, the more the reality sets in that this is not going to change, that John is irretrievably, forever, permanently gone.
And the reality of that is gut wrenching, overpowering, all consuming.
I hesitate to share this with people because the natural reaction is to try to make it better and nothing can make it better. So then people feel frustrated that they can't "do" something and the natural response then is to withdraw.
So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I can hide how I feel and put on a front that is false and useless to me, essentially depriving myself of what I need the most which is comfort or I can say how I feel and risk losing the very people I need. Lose/lose.
It just seems to get worse and worse.

Fooling myself

There are actually days [probably more like hours] when I think I may have a handle on this journey I am on and then out of the blue, I am shown in no uncertain terms that nothing could be further from the truth. I wonder if I will ever be able to think about John without dissolving into a puddle or experiencing a gut wrenching stab of sorrow.
How do women do this? How do they go on without their soul mate by their side?
And why does it have to be this way?
I read and hear all these platitudes about how everything happens for a reason and that things are happening the way they are supposed to but you know what? Right now I don't care. I just don't care. All I want is my Love back here with me. THAT is the way it's supposed to be.