Today marks nine months since I awoke to find my world destroyed. Nine months since I have had to face the fact that John is no longer physically with me in this world. Nine months and one day since I last heard his voice, saw his smile, heard his laugh, felt his touch, foolishly thought we had so much more time to share.
There are moments when I think I have a handle on this loss, this grief and then a thought, a memory, a longing grips me so hard, it shakes me to my core.
I walk around and do the things I need to do but all the while my thoughts are with John and everything I see, everything I touch, everything I do is reflected in the fact that he is not here. If someone hasn't experienced the complete feeling of total loss that losing a soul mate brings, there probably are no words that can do it justice. I truly feel like half a person. For the last thirty-two years, everything we did we did with the other in mind. And now, I am expected to be one person and I find it impossible to be. I still make decisions as if John were here to make them with me. I still think what would he do in this or that circumstance. I hate having to fill out forms and not put him down as next of kin. This still doesn't seem real.
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