Trust isn't a bad word

Several years ago, my friend Cathy told me about a ritual she performs at the beginning of every new year. She picks a word for that year, a theme to carry her through, a platform that she wants to structure her life around. I had started doing that a couple of years ago but soon after January had been here for a while, I would inevitably forget about my lofty goal.

Not this year.

If last year has taught me anything, it's that I need to not take anything for granted and that includes following through on goals and plans.

So, this year I have chosen my word.

And my word is Trust.

I was originally going to choose Serenity but after thinking about it, that felt too passive. I needed something I could sink my teeth into. Something more basic. And for me, that is trust. If I had to sum up the one thing missing in my life right now, that's it.  And maybe for half of my life as well.

Living with an abusive mother taught me I couldn't trust the world to protect me. Certainly not the one person who was supposed to be in my corner above all else. Then moving on to an abusive husband confirmed that belief. If I was going to survive, I had to do it on my own. Trust no one. Trust no thing.

Then John came along and I dared to let my guard down one more time and it was so worth it. No matter what I said or did, he was there. He cheered on my successes. He held me when I cried over failures and loss. We made a safe beautiful loving life together. I finally found trust.

And then it was gone.

Now I have to trust in myself again. But I am learning that I am not alone. I don't have to trust just me. John's favorite saying is "Things are happening the way they are supposed to." There is a rhythm to the Universe, to Source, to God. When I let go and let God, things have a way of working out.

I often refer to my Guides and Angels (a group that John is now a part of) as The Team. I am teaching myself to turn to them at those times when I don't know the answers, when I can't figure things out, when I need for things to work out but it's out of my hands. And time and time again, they have come through. I am reminded of what Christ said: "Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!" Luke 12:24

I think it's time to trust again. This year I am going to let go of my favorite pastime - worry. I'm going to live the life in front of me and not worry about the life down the road. There is a peace to be had when I do that. The lines in my forehead soften. They won't disappear entirely. They have lived there too long. But I can make a start. I can begin every day to start to trust.

I have less life in front of me than I have behind me. What I want more than anything else is to live that life in peace and harmony. Trust is where I begin.

What is your word for this new year?

Namaste.

In search of the Promised Land

"Sometimes you have to go through the wilderness before you get to the Promised Land."

John Blytheway

Our country, our world, our species has been through the wilderness these past few years. Now, we see the Promised Land on the horizon and we welcome it.

I feel I have been through my own personal wilderness. Losing John has been devastating for me. That was followed by losing family members and friends and cherished pets. Our nation's politics has taken a toll. And then, this past year, the pandemic and its forced isolation has been so very hard. 

But better days are coming. I feel it.

My personal wilderness has forged my soul anew. While isolated, I have accomplished a few things. Some important. Some not so much. 

In no particular order:

I gave up caffeine. 

I grew out my hair color - I think I like the silver. I also have not had a haircut in almost a year. I thought I would like the new length. Answer: I don't. It will get cut short again as soon as I feel it is safe.

I took a few online courses.

I wrote a book. More on that as it nears publication.

I am developing an online course in metaphysics/spirituality based on my experiences and what I have learned. More on that too in coming months.

I have learned about myself. Some of it was not pretty. In the early months of this pandemic I was in constant panic mode and it took turning to outside help to regain my equilibrium. I admit I was taken aback by how much I was affected. Old traumas and losses became new and I was brought to a strange and frightening wilderness I was not expecting. 

But I feel that is behind me now and I look forward to this year with an energy that brings me both joy and peace. I have rediscovered a book I had found many years ago - Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I have had this book for so long that the pages are brown but I have never read it cover to cover. This year I plan to do that. Ms. Ban Breathnach speaks to that part of my soul that longs for comfort. And simplicity. And the joy of everyday life. Looking to the future. Cherishing today. Making a contribution to the world. 

My own Promised Land will be taking photographs of the beauty around me. Writing words that hopefully inspire others and give them pleasure. Being with friends I have not seen in many months, sharing a glass of wine while watching the sunset. 

Living again.

What will you do in your Promised Land?

Namaste.

A beautiful Christmas present

The holiday season has been very hard and very sad for me ever since John passed. But this year was especially difficult for me. I think it was because of the pandemic causing so much isolation. In other years, I would have been meeting with friends, exchanging gifts, going to holiday musical presentations, etc. This year there was none of that and the forced isolation made an already sad situation worse.

But I tried to make the best of it. I still put up my Christmas tree. Telephone calls and Zoom visits helped. And of course there was the ever present Facebook.

People have criticized Facebook over the years for one reason or another but, if nothing else, it has fostered a feeling of closeness and connection like no other platform. And I am grateful that it has brought me closer to my cousin Diane. Diane is the daughter of my father's brother. She has two older brothers that I grew up with. But Diane is the youngest and there is a big age difference between us. By the time she was only a few years old, I was already off to nursing school and out on my own. Our relationship never grew. 

Until a few years ago when we reconnected. I am happy to say we have become friends since then and keep in touch, often through Facebook. And this Christmas she gave me a gift like no other.

A few weeks before Christmas Diane told me to watch for something in the mail. I assumed it was a Christmas card. She informed me it wasn't. It was something small but not a card. The mail was especially slow this year (as it often is around this time of year). Nothing arrived before Christmas. Diane kept checking and my answer was always "Nothing today."

Then, on New Year's Eve, a puffy envelope arrived. Sure enough, when I opened it, a card fell out saying "Merry Christmas!" from Diane. I pulled out a beautiful Christmas ball that she had apparently had made just for me.  On the front was a tree with a cardinal and the words "I Am Always With You". That immediately touched me because of the similarity to the title of my book about John and also the cardinal is a symbol of connection to a loved one in the afterlife.

But John and Diane weren't done yet. I turned the ball over. What was written on the back stopped me in my tracks. I expected to see Diane's name but I started to cry as soon as I saw what was written there. John had used Diane to get a message to me. I was feeling sad and alone and missing John like crazy but he was telling me that I wasn't alone. 

That our love goes on. 

That he is still here with me. 

Thank you, John.

And thank you, Diane. 

You have no idea what this means to me. What a loving thoughtful thing to do. This gift hangs in my office right next to my computer so I can look at it all the time. It's too precious to put away with the Christmas decorations. It's a reminder to me from John and Diane. I am loved. I am not alone.

Namaste.

Merry Christmas, Sweetheart!

 I miss you so much. ❤️

The Age of Aquarius - for me

This week has marked several celestial occasions worth noting - the Winter Solstice, the Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn, and the official start of the Age of Aquarius. 

Yes, that age long ago heralded in song by the Fifth Dimension and the play Hair. 

The Age of Pisces, which we have just left, was known for money, power, and control. The Age of Aquarius will be focusing on love, brotherhood, unity and integrity - a welcome change, for sure. 

 

And whether or not you believe in any of that, we can certainly make our own Age of Aquarius in our lives. That is what I have promised myself. 

This year has sucked. There is no getting around it. Politically, financially, medically - our Earth has borne its share of troubles and the trouble has found its way into every home in some manner. But a new day is dawning and it is bright and clear and ready for what we will make of it. We are days away from Christmas and, of course, New Year's Day is right around the corner. This is the time for looking inward and deciding what we want to come into our lives. 

I choose peace. 

If you have never had the great fortune to read Sarah Ban Breathnach's wonderful book Simple Abundance - A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, I highly recommend it. It is made up of short essays/meditations to be read on every day of the year. I have never read the book in its entirety. I have had the book for many many years and the pages are now brown and brittle. Every so often I pick it up and read it for a few days and wonder why I forget to read it every day. Life gets in the way, I guess. But at least I try and I always find a gem worth thinking more about. 

Today's gem was about the movie It's a Wonderful Life and how we should all look to see how blessed we are in whatever way we can. And I am not being Pollyanna. I know many people are suffering right now. People are very ill with Covid. Families are losing loved ones. Businesses are closing and financial stress is high. I get that. I lost my own mother to Covid this past May. She is one of the many nursing home statistics that fell to the pandemic. 

But I believe in my heart that things will get better. And I also know I have much to be grateful for. And, truth be told, I think I have made a difference here and there. 

I bet you have too. Think about it. Whose day did you brighten with a smile or a phone call? What animal has a better life because it now lives with you? What friend's burden was lifted because you took the time to listen or gave a shoulder to cry on? I'm sure you can find many instances like these and more if you think about it. 

So, I celebrate your existence - and mine. 

And I welcome the age of love, brotherhood, unity, and integrity and will do my part to add to it. 

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. 

Namaste.

Don't let anyone besmirch your aura!

* I wrote this post in December 2018 and I think I need it now more than ever. Maybe you do too.* 

This saying makes me smile for two reasons - because it's true and because it reminds me of John.
Many years ago, he decided to take a year off from nursing and joined an MLM company selling ozone air purifiers. John has always been a very good salesman and we believed in the product and him.
As it turned out, the year's selling proved less than successful so he went back to being a nurse and was very happy. But not before having some interesting experiences.
One in particular stands out for me.
One afternoon John came home after spending about an hour at a woman's home trying to explain the advantage of our machines. John told me how she had one complaint after another, finding fault with everything he said. It soon became clear that John was not going to make a sale and why she had even agreed to the demo was beyond understanding.
John laughed as he told me how he finally reached his limit, stood up, and said to her "You are besmirching my aura! Sorry, but I have to go." and he left.
A little background - John and I had been on our spiritual journey for several years at that point - studying Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Gregg Braden, The Law of Attraction, etc. We were becoming quite comfortable with that aspect of our life.
So much so, apparently, that John felt his inner peace was not worth sitting and experiencing that particular woman's negative energy.
Good for him!
And that is the lesson.
Our inner peace is both important and valuable. Some people are just energy vampires and it's perfectly okay for us to protect ourselves from them. No matter who they are.
I remember another occasion when John and I were in a restaurant and we could just feel the uncomfortable energy emanating from the table next to us. The couple seated there were obviously not happy about something - more than likely with each other. Regardless, it was palpable and we changed our table and immediately felt better.
There is a woman in our local grocery store who is always scowling and complaining about something. I can't tolerate being anywhere near her and will change checkout lanes to avoid her.
Sometimes, you can't avoid the situation. Do the best you can in that instance by slowing your breathing. Concentrate on a good thought. Visualize drawing your energy sphere closer in to yourself so that you are not touching the other's negativity.
Just remember, it's okay to protect yourself.
Don't let anyone besmirch your aura!
Namaste.

We are all in mourning

We are all going through a very tough time right now. And to some extent we are all mourning.

We may not all be grieving the same thing or the same person but we are all suffering a loss. At the very least, we are mourning the loss of things we may have taken for granted before this pandemic. 

I can list so many losses that I am personally feeling:

The loss of a hug. 

The loss of companionship. 

The loss of being able to pick out my own groceries.

I have missed birthdays and lunches and dinners with friends and family.

I have missed the funeral of my own mother.

Sadly, there are those who now face an empty chair at the table. Maybe the person died from Covid. Maybe they didn't. It doesn't matter. The loss is real nonetheless. And they probably weren't able to be there at the last to say good-bye. Another loss.

And now the holidays are upon us and they are different this year too. I don't feel the jolly so much this year and have told friends and family I won't be doing presents. Instead, the money will go to charities that are suffering. I have urged them to do the same. I probably won't decorate - or at the least scale it back.  Next year will be better.

But in the meantime, we mourn. And because we mourn, we should take extra good care of ourselves this season. Be less critical of ourselves and others. Let the small things go. If we have learned nothing else this year, we have learned what matters. And while money matters when you need to pay the rent and put food on the table, after that it's the little things that are important. So, maybe Covid has taught us something. I know it has definitely helped me reassess values.

So, yes, we are all mourning in some way. I pray we find peace.

Namaste.