This has been a very difficult couple of days. The grief books don't mention how hard New Year's can be, especially the first New Year's Eve of the first full year without your soul mate. Today, this New Year's Eve, marks the end of the first full year without John. He and I did not share one second of this year together with him on this earth. Last year at least I could look back at some part of the year and know we had been together. But not this year. And not next year or the year after that or the year after that or....
The enormity of John's gone-ness is only just beginning to sink in and as it does, the grief deepens. It soaks into me, becomes a part of me. It doesn't define me. I am still me. But now I am me, grieving. I will always be me grieving. When I laugh, I will wish John could share it with me. When I cry, I will wish he were there to hold me. When I enjoy something I will wish John could enjoy it with me. I will never be able to do anything with him physically in this world again and the magnitude of that shatters me.
I look back on other New Year's Eves celebrated with John and I realize how foolish I was - maybe how foolish any of us are - to think we have more ahead of us. I know now only too well, that we are not promised even the next second. If there is a lesson there it is to enjoy every second, cherish every laugh, every hug, every smile. Take nothing for granted. Waste not one moment in anger or regret.
I guess, thanks to John, I have written my New Year's resolution.
Happy New Year, Sweetheart - and looking forward to the one we will celebrate together again some day.
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